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18 February 2013 @ 11:19 am
Fic Post: Burning Down the House  
Title: Burning Down the House
Author: Montiese
Category: AU/Family/Humor
Characters: Erin Strauss, David Rossi, Ashley Seaver, Spencer Reid, OMC
Pairing: Rossi/Strauss
Rating: TEEN
Summary: “I don’t know if IQ has anything to do with cooking.” Ted said. “I'm kind of hoping it doesn’t for my sake.”
Author’s Note: This fic was written for Jayne Atkinson’s birthday and it’s in the Comfort and Joy universe. It’s from citymusings prompts ‘the kids plan breakfast in bed and they don’t do it well’. I don’t even know if she was talking about this universe but it is the first one that popped into my head.

“Oh dear God Spencer, you look like warmed over poo biscuits.”

“Wow, thanks,” the 25 year old genius hugged his sister. “And I showered this morning and everything. Where’s Nora?”

“Colorado Springs…she had to for work. She would've rather been here with us.”

“I would've rather it too. She can actually cook.”

“We can do this Spencer.” Ashley gave his arm a friendly squeeze. “Have faith.”

“Ashley's right though.” Ted said as he made Spencer a mimosa. “You’ve got the bohemian vagabond thing going hardcore. You’ve got to take a break from all the studying. Books aren’t everything. Food however, is needed for survival. You're losing weight.”

“I'm writing a thesis.” Spencer reasoned.

“Yeah but As aren’t everything either.” Ashley said, sipping her mimosa. “Bs are OK too. At the end of the day when you're getting a job no one is going to look at your GPA. All they're going to care about is the degree. I promise.”

“I'm getting a PhD…there are no As and Bs. I have a very demanding schedule and a demanding advisor.”

“Fuck him.” Ted said. “You need to get drunk; you need to get laid. This might require a weekend bender. That’s it; Tim and I are kidnapping you and taking you out for a night of fun.”

“I love you Ted but you and I don’t have the same idea of fun.”

“I know how to have some serious heterosexual guy fun if push comes to shove. Do you know how many call girls I know?” Ted asked.

“Don’t answer that Spence.” Ashley laughed.

“Um guys, you might want to check on that food.” Spencer finally got a second to take off his coat and accessories. He put the mimosa down. He had coffee and didn’t need that. “I think whatever is in that frying pan might be burning.”

“Oh shit.” Ashley put her drink down and rushed over to the stove. “It’s bacon. We decided on waffles and bacon; we knew we could make that.”

“Are you sure?” Spencer asked, sipping his coffee.

“The pieces are a little thin and they keep breaking apart and burning. I have no idea why.”

“I'm glad you're here…you can make the coffee.” Ted said. “I would but Mom always thinks mine is too strong. You make it perfectly.”

“I think she thinks mine is too weak.” Spencer said.

“You're doing it.” Ashley pointed at him with a spatula.

“OK, OK.”

Spencer went over to the cabinet and grabbed some coffee. It took him a while but also managed to find the coffee filters. The room was a bit smoky; they might want to open a window or something. Spencer thought it might be better to take Erin out to dinner but they’d done that before. He’d been there for nearly 20 birthdays so there wasn’t much that they hadn't done. Since none of them cooked very well even though they were all pretty brilliant this breakfast thing never crossed their mind. That was probably a good thing.

“Ted, you might want to start on the waffles.” Ashley said. “I've got two pieces of bacon here that survived. That might have to be enough.”

“We’re not going to feed Uncle Dave?” Spencer asked. He put a scoop and a half of coffee into the machine and then went to the sink for water.

“Well it’s not his birthday.” Ashley reasoned.


“He's right.” Ted said as he stirred the waffle batter one more time. “Make a few more pieces of bacon, Ashley.”

“I don’t even know if that’s possible.” She shook her head.

“I’ll help.” Spencer said. He’d put the coffee on. “Between us our IQ is about 325…we can do this.”

“I don’t know if IQ has anything to do with cooking.” Ted said. “I'm kind of hoping it doesn’t for my sake.”

“Stop talking.” Spencer told him. He grabbed the bacon that was sitting on the counter and stripped away three pieces.

Ted opened the waffle iron. He poured in some of the batter and listened to it sizzle. Closing it, he flipped it over, just like he read in the directions. It was a little smokier than he thought it should be. Then it got even smokier.

“Um guys, I think something’s wrong with this waffle iron.” He said. “It’s smoky as hell.”

“Impossible.” Ashley said. “Its brand new, we just took it out of the box.”

“Where did you find it?” Spencer asked.

“It was in the pantry closet.” Ashley replied.

“Maybe Uncle Dave and Aunt Erin weren't using it because something was wrong with it.”

“Yeah, cuz it’s really smoky.”

“Open it Ted, maybe you poured wrong or something.” Spencer said.

“How do you pour waffle batter wrong?” Ted wondered aloud.

He opened it and smoke started to fill the whole room. Cursing, Ashley rushed to open the kitchen windows. The smoke alarms started going off and Spencer covered his ears. Holy hell, he didn’t think he’d heard anything louder in his life. Mudgie came running into the kitchen in full bark mode.

“Mudge, shut up dude.” Ted said, rushing over to the dog. “Its cool dude, stop barking.”

“What the hell is going on?”

“Who is that?” Ashley asked. She was still standing by the open window trying to push out smoke. The alarms were killing her ears. She really hoped that they didn’t alert the fire department.

“It’s the man who owns the house that could possibly be on fire.” Dave said.

“Uncle Dave, we have it all under control.” Spencer said.

“I beg to differ.” Erin went over to the back door and opened it. Then she looked at her three children. “Good morning.”

“Happy birthday Mom.” Ashley and Ted said in unison.

“Happy birthday Aunt Erin.” Spencer said. “We were making breakfast.”

“Something is wrong with the waffle iron.” Ted said.

“We have a waffle iron?” Erin asked.

“What was in this frying pan?” Dave went over to the stove.

“That was bacon.” Ashley said. “It wasn’t turning out as planned. Daddy, please turn off the smoke detectors before we go deaf.”

He nodded and grabbed the broom from the corner of the pantry closet. He reached up and started beating the smoke detector.

“David! Oh my God, David, stop it!”

The noise stopped and he smiled. His wife wasn’t however; she was just looking at him. Erin crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

“I’ll fix it tomorrow.” he said.

“You surely will. Now we need to clean up this mess.”

“And close the windows.” Spencer shivered. “It’s freezing.”

“Leave one half open sweetie.” Erin said as she closed the door. “It’s still a little smoky in here.”

“You're not cleaning up anything Mom.” Ashley said. “It’s your birthday and we came over here to cook for you.”

“I love you all for that. C’mere and give me hugs.”

They all ran over and jumped on her. Erin laughed as she hugged and kissed them. Watching them love their mother and aunt made Dave smile. While they had nearly destroyed his kitchen, and caused him to destroy one of his smoke detectors, it was done out of love. They all loved Erin so much. She was a good mother to them and when she worried about that her husband always reminded her. Now she would have this moment to help her remember as well.

“I’ll make breakfast.” Dave said. “This was a lovely gesture though, seriously.”

“I can taste your sarcasm Dad.” Ashley said.

“I think that’s bacon grease.” Spencer said. He coughed a bit.

“Can we have pancakes, Dave?” Ted asked. “I mean if Mom wants since it’s her birthday.”

“I would love pancakes.” Erin smiled.

“Pancakes it is.” Dave winked at her. “Ted, you be my helper. Grab me some eggs from the fridge.”


“Ashley, I need you to take the waffle iron and my poor frying pan out in the yard, shoot them, and bury them.”

“Is it OK if I just throw them in the big plastic trashcan?” she asked.

“That should be alright too.”

“Aunt Erin, I’ll make you a cup of coffee.” Spencer said putting on a smile.

“Thank you sweetie.” She smiled, caressed his face, and went over to the kitchen table. “I have to say that while I've had some really interesting birthday wake up calls that one will probably top the list. I wish Noah was here now because he definitely would've gotten a kick out of this.”

“Where is he?” Spencer asked as he handed Erin her coffee and joined her at the table. He had a second cup.

“He spent the night at Penelope’s place since there wasn’t school today.” Dave said. “Erin and I thought we were going to have just a little time to ourselves.”

“Oh.” Ashley said as she walked back into the back door. “Our bad.”

“It’s not a problem.” Erin smiled. “I'm so glad you're here and we’re going to have breakfast together. I wish Nora and Noah were here too.”

“Then you can get out.” Dave said smiling.


“I'm making a high calorie breakfast.” He said. “I'm going to need some exercise afterward.”

“Oh my God,” Ted covered his ears and closed his eyes. “I'm deaf; I'm blind, oh my God.”

“You didn’t see anything.” His sister said giggling.

“Oh yes I did, and I'm traumatized I promise.”

“Ashley, please set the table.”

“OK Dad.”

“Let’s use the good plates since we’re celebrating.” Erin said.

“The Queen Mother has spoken.” Ted said.

Ashley smiled and started setting the table. Dave was already putting fluffy pancakes on a big plate for them to enjoy. The house smelled of Canadian bacon and eggs and gloriousness instead of smoke and fire. Nothing had been too badly damaged in the birthday surprise, minus that one smoke detector. Spencer was even able to get up and close the window before they ate.

“I want to propose a toast.” Dave held up his mimosa as he sat down next to his wife at the table. “This is to Erin, the woman I love, the woman who mothered our children and makes me happy everyday even when I drive her mad. To the woman who works hard and loves hard and sometimes can be convinced to play hard. Here's to another year of being the most amazing woman we know…and Mom.”

“To Mom.”

“To Aunt Erin.” Spencer leaned to kiss her cheek.

“To the best birthday ever.” Erin smiled at her family and sipped her drink.

It started off a bit chaotically; so many wonderful things in their lives had started that way. She would go with it, enjoy every moment, and relish this life she and Dave built together. It wasn’t perfect, she wasn’t perfect. But it was always amazing.


Where am I?: the lair
Feelings: hungryhungry
Background Noise: silence