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13 October 2014 @ 09:15 pm
Fic Post: The Girl who Swordfights  
I'm posting this here so I can import it to AO3 and my link will go through as well.

Title: The Girl who Swordfights
Author: Montiese
Category: AU/Friendship/Humor
Characters: Erin Strauss, David Rossi, Jason Gideon, Ursula Kent, Nora Bennett
Pairing: Rossi/Strauss
Rating: TEEN
Summary: “She's the Barnard Student Athlete of the Week. She's so pretty. I think I’ll marry her and our children will be heirs to my beer bong empire.”
Author’s Note: I saw this picture and story on Humans of New York and all I could think about was my OTP. This story really wrote itself.

Erin grabbed another Miller High Life from the cooler of beer. It wasn’t the best she had ever tasted but there were worse. She smiled at the guy who opened it for her with his bottle opener, but took it back before he could do anything to it. This house was filled with people and The Psychedelic Furs blasted through various speakers. She’d lost her best friend Ursula almost 40 minutes ago to a redhead freshman in a tank top.

Erin told her to be careful; the girl might not even be legal. Ursula just smiled that smile and Erin could do nothing but shake her head. How she got so much ass Erin never know. It wasn’t as if Ursula wasn’t gorgeous. She was also smart, rich, and a little bit crazy. But Erin was sure there couldn’t be that many bisexual and lesbian girls in the world.

Ursula assured her that all the world was a smorgasbord when it came to one-night stands. And that’s the way the junior English and Philosophy major liked it. Erin herself had been single for a year now and liked it as well. Relationships were great but it was hard to be a double major, a fencer, and do her volunteer work when someone else wanted all of her time.

She had loved Mark, she was almost sure of it, but it just didn’t work. They parted ways amicably; still spoke to each other when they passed. Erin was glad there was no animosity between the former couple and if the rumors were true he’d landed on his feet with some pretty sorority girl. All’s well that ends well.

A commotion in the kitchen got Erin’s attention as she was taking another walk around the house. Her watch said 11:30. She and Ursula had plans to meet at the door by one if they were separated. After 15 minutes if one of them wasn’t there it was time to go into panic mode. They'd done this before, gotten separated at big parties, and things worked out fine.

Erin made her way toward the noise, which turned out to be a bunch of people chanting some guy’s name. She thought they were saying Dave as a guy stood with a long, clear rubber tube in his mouth. There was a guy at the other end, pouring a 40 oz. beer in. As people chanted, the Dave guy drank. He drank and drank and drank a little more.

By Erin’s estimation, and she was no mathematician, Dave—or whatever his name was—drank about 30 oz. of beer before gagging a bit and dropping the hose. Beer sprayed some people but the cheering went on. He held up his hands in triumph, beat on his chest, and then turned. Dave was looking right at her.

She was sure the look on her face could only be described as disgust. Erin knew a lot of dumb guys, she was a cosmopolitan girl after all. But most of the males in her social circle liked to do coke or pills and then drink down half of their father’s special reserve bourbon. Colt 45 might be better under the circumstances.

“Funny face!” he exclaimed, pointing at her and grinning through his beer-soaked beard. “You should’ve been here to wish me luck.”

“I'm sorry?” she sipped her beer.

“I didn’t do all 40 oz. because you didn’t cheer me on.”

“I was almost impressed by 30 though.” Erin replied.

“You know this girl?” one of the guys asked as he prepared the rubber tube for the next victim. “Damn Rossi, you are a lady killer.”

“Don’t let that get around.” He smiled. “Guys go to the electric chair for shit like that.”

“You and Teddy Bundy.” Another guy pointed at him. “His thing was brunettes though.”

“Don’t let these idiots scare you, Funny Face.” He moved toward her, light on his feet to have consumed so much alcohol. The belch gave him away. Dave covered his mouth. “Damn, excuse me.”

“I think I might excuse myself.”

“Don’t go.” He reached out for her but missed. “I don’t even know your name. I need to know your name.”

“I gotta go. Good show with the rubber tube.”

“It’s called a beer bong; I invented it and plan to make a lot of money from it. College kids everywhere will erect a statue in my honor. I’ll become an honorary member of every fraternity in the nation surely.”

“It’s good to have goals.” Erin tried and failed to conceal a smile.

“I saw that. Funny face has a smiley face.”

“Why are you calling me that?”

“Why not?” he shrugged. “I like it; it suits you. I'm Dave.”

“Dave Rossi.”

“How did you know?”

“One of those guys called you Rossi…right before his friend compared you to a serial killer.”

“Those guys are asses. Good guys, but asses just the same.”

“And you're not?” Erin asked.

“Would an ass…” Dave stopped, rolled his eyes upwards, and then sighed. “OK, I totally forgot what I was going to say. You are so pretty.”

“Thank you. I'm more than that as well.”

“I'm sure. Hey, wait I know you. You’re Barnard Athlete of the Week. Oh shit, yeah, you swordfight. You fuckin swordfight!” he exclaimed.

“I'm a fencer.” Erin said. “I don’t swordfight.”

“But fencer uses swords, right? Like Sherlock Holmes.”

“They're called foils and sabers. In Holmes’ time they were mostly rapiers.”

“Damn, I love the way you talk. I'm enamored with the sound of your voice. Say something else.”

“You're clearly intoxicated.”

“Oh good,” Dave smiled some. “I wouldn’t want us to be unclear about that. Erica right, that’s your name? Erica something with an S…or maybe an F.”

“Erin.” She corrected him. “It’s Erin, something with an S.”

“Yeah. OK, Erin something with an S who doesn’t swordfight. I like you; I like your eyes. Are they green or blue?” he looked up at the ceiling. “The lighting is shitty in here.”

“I have to go, I'm meeting a friend at the door. It was really nice to meet you.”

“I bet you say that to all the beer bonging hot Italians you meet.” He said.

“Damn, you got me. Goodnight.”

“Bye.” He held up his hand to wave. Dave watched the sway of her hips as she walked away. He leaned on the wall and fanned himself. Holy moly, she was beautiful. He wanted to follow her, chat her up. Firstly, that was a stalker move and Dave Rossi was no stalker. Secondly, he was having a bit of trouble walking at the moment. He held up his hand again. “Oh garcon.”

“One of these days you are going to kill yourself.” Jason Gideon came around the corner and put his arm around his best friend’s shoulder. “No one puts that much malt liquor into their bodies without consequences.”

“I haven’t blacked out yet.” Rossi said, leaning on him as they walked away. He didn’t know where they were going but a couch might be nice. “Fetch me maidens…I want to celebrate my victory.”

“I am not your pimp.”

“No, but you're my best mate.” Rossi put on a fake British accent and gave Jason a messy kiss on the cheek. “You're my best mate and I'm…um…”

“Yes Dave,” Jason nodded. “Sometimes you are.”

“Did you see Funny face?”

“The Audrey Hepburn movie?”

“No, the girl Gideon. The pretty blonde girl who doesn’t swordfight. She's the Barnard Student Athlete of the Week. She's so pretty. I think I’ll marry her and our children will be heirs to my beer bong empire.”

“You are wasted.”

“I should’ve gone for Miller and not Colt 45 I think.”

“Hindsight.” Gideon smiled.

“Yeah, it’s a motherfucker isn’t it? It’s too early to go home; I need to sober up.”

“Don’t leave barf chunks in your beard like last time, OK?”

“Nah, I'm just going to take a leak. I think I can make it from here.”

“You know what to holler if you fall down right?” Jason asked.

“Timber!” Dave exclaimed. He held up his hands in victory once more, nearly falling on his face.

“No, but good try. It’s help me.”

“We need to make it something cooler than that. We’ll discuss it further when I’m sober.”

“I cannot wait.”

Dave looked at him. He looked at Jason and stuck out his tongue. The other boy laughed.

“Aha, I knew it, you can smile.” Dave bounced on the balls of his feet, ignoring the churn of his stomach. “Shit man, I see some teeth in there. Does Jason Gideon have teeth?”

“Get away from me. Go to the bathroom.”

“If you see Funny face, grab her and tell her I want to marry her.”

“I will.” Jason nodded.

“You will? For real?”

“Have I ever let you down?”

“No, not once. Alright, cool, I'm going now.”

“Excellent.” Jason nodded.

He had no idea what the hell the Funny face thing was about but he knew who Erin Strauss was. She was a championship fencer and they were also taking a class together this semester on Marxism. She was as smart as she was beautiful. Jason sat next to her in class a couple of times but Erin mostly kept to herself. Once or twice he saw a more animated side of her in the Columbia library with friends. He wondered if he could actually get Dave into a library if he promised him that his funny face would be there. It was worth considering.

“Hey,” a girl wrapped her arms around Jason and kissed the nape of his neck. “I was looking all over for you.”

“Here I am.” Jason moved his hands over Nora’s, relishing the smoothness of her skin. “Dave went to the bathroom.”

“Are you going to have to hold him up when he gets back?” she asked.

“It’s a possibility. He did a beer bong.”

“A what now?”

“Never mind…I don’t think you truly want to know.”

“What a character he is. Do you think he’ll ever grow up?”

“I hope not. It would be a sad loss.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” Nora laughed. She liked Dave a lot, and she loved Jason. “I should probably get going though.”

“You can't walk home alone.” Jason turned and looked her. He was still holding her hands.

“I walk home alone all the time.”

“And I absolutely hate it. Can you wait a few minutes? When Dave comes out of the bathroom I’ll let him know I'm going to take you home. It’s just a few blocks over…I can come back for him if he needs me.”

“You're going to take me home and then come back to the party to carry around your boozy best friend?”

“Well I…”

“Its fine, Jason.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “I was just going to invite you in and slowly take off your clothes. Then I would slowly take off mine and then I would let you do that thing you love to do while I make that noise you love to hear. But, you know, maybe some other time.”

“I’ll make sure he’s alright and then we’ll go.”

“OK.” Nora smiled. “I'm not trying to get you to diss your best mate.”

“I know.” He nodded. “But it has been too long since I spent an uninterrupted night with you.”

“Hey Jason,” Ursula waved as she walked over. “Have you seen my missing in action best friend? We’re supposed to meet up by the front door if we’re separated. Hi.”

“Ursula Kent, this is my girlfriend Nora Bennett.”

“Nice to meet you. I love your hair.” Ursula smiled. “I love your skin; you're beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Nora smiled. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

“Nora is very beautiful, but I'm standing right here.”

“She's taken…I don’t mess with girls if they're taken.” Ursula said. “But the day will never come when I don’t tell a woman how beautiful she is. Every one of them needs to know. So, my best friend?”

“I haven’t seen her but Dave did earlier. Do you know Dave Rossi? I think he has it in his mind that she's his soul mate.”

“I've seen him around, and he's been beer bonging most of the evening.” Ursula said. “That couch cushion over there might be his soul mate. Where is he anyway?”

“I set him free to use the bathroom. I'm thinking he's making room for more beer.”

“This party is killing my claustrophobia. Who would think a house so big would start to close in on you? I need a cigarette. Hey Nora, do you want to join me? No point all of us standing around waiting for Dave to relieve himself.”

“Yeah.” Nora smiled and then kissed Jason’s cheek. “We’ll be on the porch.”

“I’ll be out in a few.” Jason crossed his arms and leaned on the wall. Dave had gone up the stairs on his own so was probably fine. There might be a line for the bathroom. He’d give it ten minutes and then go and find him. It didn’t take that long. After five, he was coming back down the stairs and he seemed to have a partner. Dave pointed at Jason.

“There he is, that’s Jason and he's my best mate. This is Funny face Jason; isn’t she gorgeous?”

“She's lovely. Hi Erin.”

“Hey.” She smiled.

“You two know each other…that’s great. Well go on Jason, tell her how cool I am. Make it good; my future happiness rides on the moment. Make up something about me saving puppies from a fire or something. Just don’t like Funny face know that you made it up.”

“Ursula is outside smoking and waiting for you.” Jason said, ignoring his best friend. “My girlfriend Nora is also out there; I'm going to walk her home.”

“What about me?” Dave asked. “I refuse to cock block but I think I need a little help here.”

“I guess I can make sure he gets somewhere safely.” Erin nearly regretted it as soon as it came from her lips. But the guy was clearly piss ass drunk. It had been a good party for him, it would suck to have it end in a disaster. “Where does he live?”

“I live in the Village, the most awesome shitty apartment ever.”

“That’s a little far tonight.”

“He can stay at my place.” Jason pulled his keys out of his pockets. I have a University apartment and he sleeps over a lot anyway. I can't thank you enough for this. Dave is totally harmless, I promise.”

“You're the one who deserves a medal, Jason.” Erin said. “Dave's a handful.”

“Yes I am.” Dave pointed to himself and nodded.

Erin laughed, leading him toward the door. He asked if he was OK to put his arm around her and she reluctantly agreed. Dave put his arm around her shoulder and off they went. Jason picked up the rear, unsure if he did his friend a favor or made a big mistake. Dave wasn’t a belligerent or violent drunk but he'd made an ass of himself on more than one occasion. If he did that in front of “Funny face” he would never forget it, and might never forgive his best friend.


“Someone want to tell me how we got stuck with the village idiot?” Ursula asked.

“Damn, I'm drunk not deaf.” Rossi said as they walked up the street. He still couldn’t quite stand up straight and now Erin held his hand like a wayward child. It was kinda nice.

Jason and Nora were heading back to her place for hot sex, Rossi hoped, and he was going to stick his face in an uncomfortable University pillow. He needed to sleep this all the way off. Beer bonging was going to be the death of him.

“Tell me something Funny face.”

“Who is Funny face?” Ursula asked.

“Apparently I am.” Erin replied. “I will tell you something David.”

“Where do you want to go on our honeymoon? I could take you to Italy to see all the beautiful architecture there. We might run into too many of my family members though. We could go to Germany and see the Brandenburg Gate. Strauss is German right; do you have family there? Or are you more a tropical girl? We could get a cabana on some white sandy beach somewhere and feed each other exotic fruits in between making love and planning our future.”

“Is he serious?” Ursula made a face at her best friend and Erin laughed.

“Scoff if you want to,” Dave said. “But I will most likely build a beer bong empire.”

“Never get high on your own supply.” Ursula said. “Rule #1.”

“I don’t plan on breaking that one for a long time. I guess I should say breaking it again.” He belched. “So c'mon Funny face, tell me. Where are we going on our honeymoon?”

“I've always been fond of France.” Erin replied. “My mother was born there; it’s much more to the country than just Paris you know.”

“What's your favorite city in the world? I’ll take you to your favorite city in the whole wide world.”

“Men are never more grandiose liars than when they're drunk.” Ursula rolled her eyes.

“Ursula, stop.” Erin gently hit her friend. Then she lowered her voice. “This is much better than fighting off some guy’s drunken advances.”

“Just because it isn’t physical doesn’t mean they're not advances.”

“Hey, hey,” Dave interrupted. He belched again, this time covering his mouth because he was afraid something might come up. Luckily that didn’t happen. “I will have you know, short haired girl, that Funny face and I have a deep and soulful connection. This isn’t a game we’re talking about…this is the rest of our lives.”

“You're wasted, and my name is Ursula. It isn’t short haired girl.” She saw the look on Dave’s face. “Say one supposedly funny thing about my name and we are leaving you in the bushes, swear to God.”

“So noted.” Dave nodded. “You never answered my question, Funny face.”

“I don't know.” Erin shrugged. “I love Canada and there's a trans-Canadian train that goes from Ontario all the way to British Columbia. It goes straight through the mountains. There are windows on the ceiling of the train so you won't miss anything as you ride past.”

“Let me take you away on a trans-Canadian adventure. We’ll make love in every province. I’ll read you poetry and we’ll dance under the moonlight to torch songs.”

“Are we there yet?” Ursula mumbled. She crossed her arms.

“Jason’s building is in the middle of this block.” Dave replied. “I should be OK from here.”

“Are you sure?” Erin asked.

“I can barely stand to part ways with you, my darling Funny face.” Dave held her hand to his lips. “If our whirlwind love affair is meant to be, which I have no doubt it is, my eyes will fall upon you again. I wait for that moment with bated breath.”

“OK.” The blonde held in her laugh.

Dave let go of her hand. He started walking backward down the street.

“Au revoir, adios, auf weidersehen, ardievas, all of my love Funny face of mine.” He bowed, stumbled a bit, and managed not to fall flat on the sidewalk.

“Is he serious?” Ursula couldn’t help but laugh at the display. This guy was drunken comedic gold.

“Goodnight, Dave.” Erin waved.

She didn’t want to leave him on his own, intoxicated and defenseless. She and Ursula stood there until they saw him reach the building and go inside. He may have passed out in the vestibule for all they knew but at least he wasn’t on the stoop.

“What the hell was that about?” Ursula asked as she and Erin turned to walk back to their own off-campus apartment. She pulled a crumbled pack of Parliament Lights from her pocket and lit one. She handed one to Erin, who did the same. “He was peculiar.”

“We just met tonight.” Erin said.

“Seriously? He was talking about your honeymoon.”

“He was drunk, and rather enamored with a pretty girl. Those are his words not mine.”

“You really attract all kinds, Strauss.”

“I have to admit that I never saw that one coming.” Erin said. “It was kind of sweet though.”

“In an ‘I hope you're never alone with that weirdo’ kind of way, I guess it was.”

“He's Jason Gideon’s best friend, how bad of a person can he be? And I'm rather impressed that he managed to keep down 30 ounces of malt liquor in addition to everything else he drank tonight. He was endearing.”

“Oh my God, you like him.” Ursula said.

“That’s what you gathered from what I just said?” she asked.

“That’s what I gathered from knowing you for a decade…and from what you just said.”

“Dave Rossi is a stranger; I don’t like him.”



“What, I know you Erin. You should see your face right now. It’s got ensorcelled Strauss written all over it. You told him about your trans-Canadian train thing. While I think it’s strange, no doubt it’s adorable. You're adorable.”

“Finding someone endearing and liking them is not the same thing.” Erin reasoned. “I just wanted to put that on the record.”

“It’s been noted. You totally like him.”

“You are the worst!” Erin laughed. “I do not!”

“OK,” Ursula put her arm around her best friend’s shoulder. “I hear you, Strauss. You may not care either way, let’s say that you don’t. But that guy just told you goodbye in four language, including Latvian. Odds are high that he's a little smitten.”

“Tomorrow he's going to wake up with a wicked hangover and no recollection of how he got home.”

“If you think you're so forgettable I’ll line people up around the block ready and willing to tell you otherwise.”

“I just…I don’t…” Erin sighed. “Sometimes a moment is a little peculiar, Ursula, but it’s still nice. This is one of those moments. It’s not going to define the rest of my life but I want to savor it just the same.”

“You got it, Funny face.”

Where am I?: the lair
Feelings: relaxedrelaxed
Background Noise: wind outside my window